Miracle miners: a pop-cultural guide

The epic captivity and release of the Chilean miners has become a pop-culture event as much as a news story. Rosemary Mac Cabesuggests some tie-ins

WE WERE ALL glued to our screens on Wednesday as the victims of Chile’s mining disaster were pulled to safety, Juan by Juan, after 69 excruciating days in the mine. There were tearful reunions at the rescue of the 33 men, whose entrapment 625m underground was the longest on record. But for those of us on the audience side of the spectacle, the hard questions had yet to be asked: why were the men so cleanly shaven (except number 11, Jorge Galleguillos, who eschewed all sense of decorum)? Which lucky staffer at Oakley, suppliers of the sunglasses to protect the miners’ sun-starved eyes, is getting the largest Christmas bonus in history? Where can we get our hands on a T-shirt with “Gracias Senor! Thank you Lord!” on it?

Some of these questions may never be answered – but there are lessons to be learned from this ordeal and, never ones to shy away from offering a guidebook to underground entrapment, we have compiled a handy list.

SOUNDTRACK TO THE MINE – MOMENT BY MOMENT

Mood: I need cheering up. I haven't seen the sun in 69 days. Song: Shineby Laura Izibor – "Let the sun shine on your face!"

Mood: Oh God, it's raining. Don't stand under the . . . too late. Song: Fixing a Holeby The Beatles – "I'm fixin' a hole where the rain gets in."

Mood: This won't beat us. Song: Live Through Thisby Hole – lyrics unnecessary.

Mood: We're never getting out of here, are we? Song: Runby Snow Patrol – "Light up, light up, as if you had a choice!"

Mood: I wish I'd told her that I loved her. Song: You Were Always on my Mineby Willie Nelson - poetic licence.

ESSENTIAL ITEMS FOR UNDERGROUND LIVING

St Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse: Surely the best thing about being Chilean (or Bolivian, like one of the 33), is the ability to be bronzed all year round. With St Tropez, you needn't worry about lack of sunlight and, even without actual biscuits, you can still have that pungent, biscuity aroma.

A torch: The better to apply your tan, my dear.

Justin Bieber: Entertainment, and surely narrow enough to fit down that shaft? Hearing Baby, Baby, Babyover and over again may lull you into insanity, but at the very least he can give great hairstyling lessons.

Terry's Chocolate Orange: Random? Yes, at first glance – but imagine the hilarity when, upon noticing your orange, your fellow miner says: "What's that about?" and you reply, "It's not Terry's, it's mine!"

DOS AND DON’TS FROM POPULAR MINING CULTURE

Docheck under every rock for snakes. It's what Indy would do.

Dodig for oil, and gold – but don't allow your child to become injured, or he will be rendered deaf and you will be doomed to a life of bitterness, before beating a religious man to death with a bowling skittle.

Don'tfor a second think the skeleton-vampire hybrid you spotted out of the corner of your eye is a mirage. Kill yourself now.

Don'tmake excessively loud noises, lest you wake the Balrog.

A SERIOUS LESSON

If you’re having an affair and you get stuck in a mine for 69 days, the truth will out, as Yonni Barrios knows all too well. He was the 21st man to emerge from the mine, where he was greeted not by his wife, Marta Salinas, but by his mistress Susan Valenzuela, whose existence had been revealed during his internment. According to reports, Barrios loves both Salinas and Valenzuela, and wants them to be friends. While we hate to speculate on affairs of the heart, Barrios is unlikely to make anyone’s bed rock for a while.

READY FOR YOUR CLOSE-UP?

What do you do when you're about to be seen by a large proportion of the TV-owning world and want to ensure your star doesn't fall out of orbit as quickly as it rose? If you're on Big Brother, you claim to be bisexual and, if possible, demonstrate a lewd party trick with the aid of a wine bottle. For these brave men, however, life is that little bit more simple.

Firstly, you shave, as evidenced by the smooth visages of our Chilean heroes. Next, don your free Oakley shades and cross your fingers that you’ll be paid royalties in exchange for the free advertising. Smile as wide as you can – you’re free! – and wave at your adoring public. If you have muscles, flex them, for crying out loud: these are your 15 minutes and there may be a calendar at the end of all of this. You could be Mr August or, it being Chile, Mr December.